Severus Snape and the Philospher's stone
by Dalekbuster523
Summary: What Severus got up to during the events of the 1st Harry Potter book.


Severus Snape opened the door. Dumbledore was stood there, deluminator in one hand, eating sherbet lemons. Dumbledore entered the house and followed Severus Snape into a living room where a sofa was stood directly in front a TV. There were bookshelves full of potions and spell books behind the sofa and various different cauldrons dotted around.

"I trust that you are aware Harry is being delivered to he's Aunt and Uncle's tonight,Severus?"asked Dumbledore.

"Yes." replied Severus. "But why does that despicable oaf have to deliver him, Albus? Why not me?"

"I need you to gain Voldemort's trust." Dumbledore informed him, ignoring Snape's cringing at the name. "If the dark lord returns and finds out you were the one who delivered the boy, he will not trust you."

"But if you'd just done what you promised, we wouldn't be in this situation." Severus said. "You promised you'd protect Lily."

"As you've reminded me countless times." replied Dumbledore, eating another sherbet lemon from a bright, colourful packet he was holding. "Now,Severus,as much as it'll be tempting for you to join us, I suggest that you stay here. I ensure you that Harry is in good hands with Hagrid."

"And if Potter is harmed in any way, you won't live to tell anyone other than me. Have I made myself clear?" Severus warned.

"Yes. Yes you have." he replied confidently. "Now, Severus. Care to join me for celebrations? I hear there's a good street party going on in Diagon Alley. Rumour has it that there's plenty of what the muggles call cheese."

"But surely if the dark lord finds out that I celebrated Harry Potter surviving the Avada Kedavra curse,I would never gain he's trust?"

"That's why I've got this." said Dumbledore,holding up a bottle of what looked like poly juice potion. "But I've only got enough Polyjuice potion for the celebrations. That's why you can't use it tonight. I figured out you'd want to celebrate with the rest of us, so took a piece of Molly Weasley's hair. She's celebrating at home anyway."

"Why do I have to become a tranny?" moaned Severus. "Oh, I'm going to lose my virginity."

* * *

Severus Snape,as Molly Weasley,walked down the streets lined with many tables,all full of various types of food from cheese to chocolate, and chicken to turkey. There were also many wizarding foods such as Bertie bott's ever flavoured beans and chocolate frogs. Music was blaring out from nowhere, surrounding the street with endless tracks of wizard hits. Fireworks zoomed into the air and exploded into lightening scars and Voldemort,but mainly into the faces of the three Potters. Severus and Dumbledore did a number of different dances together. Severus accidentally bumped into Rita Skeeter, whilst dancing casually next to Dumbledore.

"Awfully sorry,Dear." he accidentally said in he's normal voice.

Severus coughed and tried again.

"Awfully sorry,Dear." he repeated,in more of a feminine voice.

"What's your name? Are you and Dumbledore going out?" enquired Rita. "What kind of relationship do you have with Dumbledore? Would you say it's reliable? Trustworthy? Good?"

" Molly. Molly Weasley. Thing is, dear, you are very much mistaken." answered Severus, in Molly Weasley's voice. "There is nothing going on whatsoever. We're just good friends, that's all."

"Scribble that last bit down." Rita whispered, to her self writing, floating quill and parchment.

Do you mind if I see what you've written?" enquired Severus.

"Excuse me,that's confidential until it's published the next day." said Rita, looking horrified. "Now,how would you say Dumbledore is as a partner? Is he,in any way,sexy?"

Severus had a uncomfortable image in he's mind of Dumbledore naked, about to get into a bath. He shuddered at the thought and decided no, he certainly was not sexy.

"No, he's not my type I'm afraid. Now, will you excuse me? Me and Albus need to talk in private."

Severus and Dumbledore moved past the gathering crowd and found a quiet spot near Gringott's.

"Albus,what will we do if Rita Skeeter publishes her article about us?" asked Severus urgently. "Molly will not be happy and Arthur will think she's cheating on him."

"Don't worry,I have a plan." said Dumbledore in reply.

Dumbledore sneaked back up to Rita,wand out,and whispered "Obliviate". Rita forgot all about her meeting with Molly. The writing on the quill disappeared as if it never happened and things continued normally. Dumbledore ran back to Severus and said "Rita Skeeter will have no recollection whatsoever of seeing us together."

"Albus, when will the poly juice potion wear off?" enquired Severus. "I was not intending to have a sex change."

"I'd say in roughly, two minutes. Take my hand, Severus. We need to go before anyone finds out." answered Dumbledore.

They both disappeared, as if they were never there in the first place.

* * *

They reappeared outside a small pub. The pub shone a bright white and on it was a sign with the words "the Hungry Squib". Severus Snape and Dumbledore went inside and sat at a wooden table surrounded by two wooden chairs. Severus no longer had Molly Weasley's ginger-y looks, and had returned to he's usual strict look.

"I thought we'd go somewhere a bit quieter,Severus."Dumbledore explained,whilst looking at the menu. "That way, noone we know would be able to see you become yourself again."

"Albus, when do you expect the dark lord shall return?" enquired Severus.

"I'm not entirely sure, but I have a feeling it could be when Harry starts at Hogwarts." replied Dumbledore. "You see, Voldemort will want to get Harry at a place where he feels secure and according to Miss Trelawney, Hogwarts will fit that bill for Harry. Anyway, why haven't we been served yet?"

Dumbledore got out he's wand and said "Accio waitress!"

A young,dark haired woman immediately floated in mid air towards them.

"Hello,could I have the fish and chips with lemon? Make sure it's sherbet lemon." said Dumbledore,not noticing the amused look the young woman gave him when he said sherbet.

"And could I have the spell-made wizard's chicken with chips please?" said Severus.

"Okay,and what drinks would you like?" asked the young woman, whilst scribbling down Severus's order.

"I'll have lemonade please. Is it possible for someone to put some salt and vinegar crisps in it? I find it most appetising." said Dumbledore eccentrically.

The waitress looked at him as if he was a fool then finally replied with "Yes,I'll do it myself for you. And you,sir?"

"I'll have a butterbeer please." replied Severus.

The waitress walked away.

"You've got to stop ordering weird drinks that aren't on the menu." whispered Severus urgently. "You're showing yourself up."

"I believe we all have freedom, Severus, to like what we please." Dumbledore snapped back wisely.

"Yeah! Give the man some space!" a person with a slight look of Harry Hill shouted out.

"I believe,Severus,that you were just owned." Dumbledore pointed out.

"Oh,shut up. Or I think I'll join the dark lord's side permanently, if he who must not be named returns." Severus snarled furiously.

There were panicked whispers amongst the people in the pub, mainly consisting of "what? He who must not be named might return? But what about the kids?" and "But I thought Harry had made him too weak?"

Dumbledore thrust out he's wand and shouted "Silencio!". The whole pub went quiet. Not even the tiniest sound could be heard.

Fifteen minutes later,the same waitress as before came over and mouthed "Here's your food, sir. And yours, sir."

She carefully placed both plates down in front of them and they tuck in. Dumbledore took a swig out of a glass of lemonade consisting of broken bits of crisps, which he noted tasted quite strong, whilst Severus downed down a whole glass of Butterbeer in one go. Severus had to keep catching the waitresses attention to ask for a top up and when they finally exited the pub, Severus was in no fit state to walk. Dumbledore held tightly to Severus and guided him round, as Severus walked drunkingly all over the place.

"Well,go on then,Dumbledore,Apparate." Severus ordered.

"We can't, Severus. As far as I can recall,it is illegal to apparate when drunk. Which means,only I can apparate and I can't leave you in this state." explained Dumbledore.

"Ooh,lardy dar! I'm the greatest wizard of all time,so I have to obey the law!"said Severus,putting on a ridiculously high pitched voice. "Come here,Albus. Give me a snog!"

As Severus kept leaning in,Dumbledore found himself having to repeatedly push Severus back. Severus was determined to kiss Dumbledore. Eventually,Dumbledore sighed and gave in. Severus gave Dumbledore a quick kiss then hugged him tightly.

"Severus, I think it's best I take you home now. But if you need any help, you'll find all the help you need back at Hogwarts." decided Dumbledore.

"No, don't leave me!" screamed Severus, like a child, clinging onto Dumbledore round the legs, before collapsing.

Dumbledore picked him up, inspected him and carried him along.

At last, he was back at Severus's house. Dumbledore got out his wand and calmly said "Alohomora." The door silently clicked open. Dumbledore walked inside, into the living room and laid Severus down on the sofa.

When Severus finally awoke, the first thing he saw was Dumbledore staring over him.

"How you feeling, Severus?" asked Dumbledore calmly.

"I've got a funny taste in my mouth." answered Severus. "It's kind of salty."

"Ah,that'd be my germs." Dumbledore realised.

Severus covered he's mouth as if he was about to throw up and ran to the toilet.

"I think that's my cue to leave." said Dumbledore, and with that, he disappeared.

Then Severus walked back into the living room and sat down on the sofa.

"Note to self. Never go to the pub with Albus again." he said quietly.

* * *

Outside, it was getting dark. The sky went from a clear to a dark blue and lights in nearby houses flicked off as if in response. Inside Severus's house, Severus walked up the stairs in black pinstriped pyjamas and walked into he's bedroom. He wished he could join Dumbledore tonight, but it was not to be. Severus yawned and got into bed. He was about to fall asleep when he noticed a familiar face glide into he's bedroom. But much to Severus's surprise, this familiar face wasn't in a solid body. This familiar face had become a ghost.

"Professor Binns!" exclaimed Severus, in shock. "But…but, you're a ghost."

"Did you ever wonder how I had become such a well known historian, Severus?" asked Professor Binns. "It's because I experienced the past. For the past twenty years I have been using time turners to watch history slowly unfold. But now it has gone wrong. Just recently I went to the great wizarding war of 1966. It was Wizard Nazis VS Great Britain. I was watching from a distance as the UK killed many Wizard Nazis but the Wizard Nazis soon spotted me and I was shot with a Avada Kedavra curse. Luckily, it was just after I set the time turner to take me back to present day, otherwise I would've been stuck in Wizard War 3."

"I must inform Albus at once." Severus decided out loud. "You. Stay there. Dumbledore will more than likely come over soon after I tell him."

Severus reached over to a small mobile next to he's bed and dialled Albus's number.

"Hello,Albus? This ghost has just floated into my bedroom, claiming to have died in Wizarding War 3." said Severus into the phone. "It's Professor Binns. He died then simply came back again."

On the other end,Albus said "I shall be over in two ticks, Severus. Hagrid has just arrived with Harry."

Severus put the phone down and waited. A few minutes later, Albus arrived in Severus's bedroom.

"Professor Binns? I'm wondering if you're willing to be our new History of magic teacher? I'm sure you will have plenty to tell our students on the past." Albus asked, a twinkle in he's eye.

"I'd love to." said Binns in response.

"Now, if you were solid, I'd offer you a ever flavoured bean." Dumbledore said. "But you're not, so I'm afraid you'll have to miss out. Night,Severus. Binns."

"Night,Dumbledore." both said at the same time.

When Dumbledore disappeared,Severus said "Now, I'd prefer it if you left my bedroom at once."

Professor Bins obeyed and floated out.

Severus slowly fell asleep, not noticing the ghostly figure of professor Binns float back in and glide above he's bed.


End file.
